Just Being Me :)

boredom = survey...

Fri, 03 Jun 2005 04:12:36 GMT

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name: Bridget Birthday: 8/12/87
Birthplace: Columbia, MD
Current Location: Columbia, MD
Eye Color: hazel? I guess.. kinda changes from blue and green
Hair Color: light brown?
Height: 5' 7”
Right Handed or Left Handed: Right
Your Heritage: mostly English, lil german..
The Shoes You Wore Today: brown reefs
Your Weakness: depends, candy, nice cars…
Your Fears: umm idk
Your Perfect Pizza: cheese, deep dish
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: fix my shoulder with surgery
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: hey
Thoughts First Waking Up: wtf? Its too early
Your Best Physical Feature: legs… or eyes I guess
Your Bedtime: what ever time I fall asleep..
Your Most Missed Memory: umm, idk
Pepsi or Coke: coke
MacDonalds or Burger King: mcdonalds!
Single or Group Dates: depends
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: lipton
Chocolate or Vanilla: chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee: iced coffee if that counts
Do you Smoke: no
Do you Swear: umm who doesn’t
Do you Sing: yep but not very well
Do you Shower Daily: yes
Have you Been in Love: yes
Do you want to go to College: already in college
Do you want to get Married: yes
Do you believe in yourself: most of the time
Do you get Motion Sickness: No!
Do you think you are Attractive: slightly..
Are you a Health Freak: no
Do you get along with your Parents: sometimes
Do you like Thunderstorms: usually unless they mess up my plans
Do you play an Instrument: nope
In the past month have you Smoked: no
In the past month have you been on Drugs: nope
In the past month have you gone on a Date: yes
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: Yes
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: nope
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: nope
In the past month have you been on Stage: nope
In the past month have you been Dumped: umm not technically… long story
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: Nope
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: nope
Ever been called a Tease: lol yes
Ever been Beaten up: nope
Ever Shoplifted: nope
How do you want to Die: least pain possible
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: event planner?? Idk, I change my mind a lot
What country would you most like to Visit: Italy
Number of Drugs I have taken: none
Number of CDs I own: too many
Number of Piercings: 3 including my ears…
Number of Tattoos: 0
Number of things in my Past I Regret: "i cannot reget the things ive done--but only those i did not do...."-lucas “empire records :)
In a Boy/Girl.. Favorite Eye Color: Blue or brown.. Favorite Hair Color: brown Short or Long Hair: short Height: 6' Weight: I don’t really care… Best Clothing Style: doesn’t matter, preppy or athletic kinda look

reality...

Fri, 27 May 2005 06:31:42 GMT

so i just got a complete dose of reality.. i knew that my ex was dating someone. but he changed his facebook picture to one with the new girlfriend... and he looks really happy so thats good for him. but its a slap in the face, you know? just sucks. cuz he said he'd always love me, and he was mad that i was moving on so quickly. but really is been a while. we havent actually dated since february.. i have no right to be upset, i'm kinda hanging out with this kid. and i did this to myself. i broke up with him! and not he's happy again.. grr i'm crazy! i need some sleep.

thats all, i'm crazy! night all.

~b

random thoughts

Sun, 22 May 2005 03:48:53 GMT

so this is gonna be really random-

not stressed anymore. work is alright even though i dont have that many hours. and i cant find another job cuz i'm getting shoulder surgery on june 20th.. so the hours i do get will be enough. we made an offer on a house down at school and we find out tomorrow if the owner accepts. i'm really excited cuz this house is amazing and its gonna be soo sweet. yay! but this is interesting. i've come to the realization that i'm very spoiled. most girls get a car for their sweet 16 and i got that. and now i'm in college, i'm getting a house!!! i'm soooo excited! i want to find out if we get it... i cant wait to get back to school. okay changing subjects.
boys suck. but in reality i just suck at relationships. so i talked to jeff last night.. interesting conversation and by the way he's still with chad.. ew! yuck. but nothing changes. its always the same with us. so anyway. talked to jw today, and he's now dating someone. so thats a pain in my side. i'm glad that he's happy so its time to move on and find someone new. i just hope that i'll find happiness again. oh well :) i'll be alright. i'm still figuring myself out. so it will be fun

so anyway things are getting better :) summer should go by quick, hopefully cuz i'm bored.

i dont know what i'm doing with my life

Fri, 13 May 2005 00:47:25 GMT

so i'm really stressed about absolutely nothing... i'm going getting a couple hours a week at my job, which is really easy, i like it, and i make $7.50 an hour which isnt bad. but i cant have a parttime job this summer i need more money than that. so its a matter of finding a new one and telling my boss who i adore and he adores me that i cant work there anymore. grrr! plus my rent and i are talking about housing for next year and its really frustrating. jenna, kater, lauren and i want to get a house. renting would be really nice but not very easy to do in fayetteville.. so the plan is for my rents to buy a house and rent it to us. so i'm hoping it will work out :/ so back to the O.C. i'll write more lata.

random

Wed, 11 May 2005 02:12:49 GMT

so i was chilling with ben last night:) we've known each other for soo long its weird that we're in college now so far apart. but anyways, we were talking about boyfriend/girlfriend situations. and ben kinda got all spiritual which is weird. but he explained in judaism they believe that there is a handful of people meant for a certain person, each different plan that we could take. so i think that makes sense. i feel that there are a couple different guys out there that i could be happy with... aka jw and jeff and those i havent met yet. i really think its true. if i were to transfer i know i could be happy with jw, but i think that i could also be happy if i wait and find someone else... its kinda weird, but honest.... oh well, headache so i'm gonna watch tv.. lata
~b

drunken post...

Sun, 01 May 2005 06:07:38 GMT

hey all, its my last saturday at methco before the summer so we partied :) so i'm a little drunk still and i feel like writing. i only really know that joe reads my lj so hey joey, i miss you and love you sooo much. stay safe! xoxo!!!! but yea, it was that kind of night where i got bored and started making drunken phone calls to random people... haha it was fun. but anyway. i'm home wednesday!!! i'm excited. but for now i'm out, time to get some sleep.

<3 b

sadness...

Sat, 30 Apr 2005 07:14:05 GMT

so i talked to jw (online) for the first time since he ended everything between us. its been a tough week. i think about him every morning and night, and alomst every minute in between. its hard to try to get over a guy when you're still in love with him. i think about what i've done to him and i know that there's no change for another chance. but i still wish i could turn back time. there's so much that has changed. there's no real way to make anything for the better now. i hate how when i hear a song, play poker, drive past something, watch a movie... almost everything... i think of him. its going to take a while to get over him, and forget all the little memories from things. but it was the little things that always mattered. i wish i hadnt messed up (multiple times) but like people try to tell me, there were bad parts of our relationship. i did lean on him too much and i will be alright being single. i dont need a guy to make me happy. and there was no trust in our relationship, which i partly understand but most of my friends dont believe it. thats another reason we could never try again... TRUST. its an important part of a successful relationship. and with the huge lack there of. i dont think we could make it work. i would be trying so hard to gain some of it back, and that's really hard to do when we're not in the same city, state, region... i miss so much of our relationship :( its just hard to think that i dont have it anymore. i dont like missing someone that i cant even have a basic conversation with. i used to call him about anything and everything. and now after something big happens, or even something small, i cant call him. i just cant. i dont want to confused him anymore. i dont want to hurt him anymore. i wish i could just never talk to him again, i wish he hated me so much that he would just never ever speak to me, acknowlege me... i wish i couldnt hurt him again. cuz when i hurt him it hurts me.

i'm going crazy. my lj is so complicated and probably makes no sense to anyone, but its nice just to get it out....... lkajdlkfjaljdflja

i'm so messed up and crazy and confused and i have no idea what i'm doing with my life!

love sucks

Sun, 24 Apr 2005 23:38:56 GMT

so i've had a confusing past 2 days, and i havent stopped thinking about jw and me... so when i finally talked to him today i was ready to tell him that i wanted to come see him. i wanted to try to make it work. but i was completely wrong about what i expected from him. he decided that basically, he's done. he just wants to be friends. he thinks my mom is right about me being to young to make a commitment like this. i just dont know what changed for him in the 2 days that we didnt talk. friday night he wanted to make it work, he said he'd love me forever. and even though i'm still unsure if we're meant to be, i thought it would work. i was so ready to go online a buy a ticket to go see him. i was ready to make an effort to make it work... but clearly not. but i dont know if he's testing me, is he waiting by his phone for me to call and say what happened. or is this what he wants. is he actually tired of waiting around? i hate boys! i hate love! is it really this difficult or do i have a serious problem.
i've hurt jw so much, and it makes sense that now he wants out. but hurting him has put me through a lot too. knowing that he doesnt trust me, sucks. i'm tired of not knowing. i hate being young. but i'm learning a lot. but i'm hurting a lot. i have secrets, and some only he knows... i dont want to lose that. and i dont like how uncomfortable it will be to talk to him. he said friday that if i wanted to date someone else again then he wont be around again. but grrr! i hate boys.
i cant think about anything else!!!!!!!!!!
kill me now

or save me :(

i cant wait for kanuga!!!!!! i need peace!

~b

random shat

Sat, 23 Apr 2005 05:22:07 GMT

So its 1am and I’ve basically done nothing with my entire day. But anyway my day isn’t important. So what is important is how confused I am... I really don’t like uncertainty, and it sucks that I am so confused on what I want. I just read over old LJ entries, reading about how happy I was last semester that I was with JW. I don’t understand how one day I’ll be so ready to transfer and commit to this guy who completely loves me, but the next day I want to date other guys and see if there's anything out there that I’m missing. but it doesn’t make sense, that whole "experience college" is bull, cuz I broke up with JW to experience new situations (and guys) but I just got played by an a$$ and put myself out there so quickly. That’s not what I want. All I’ve ever talked about and wanted was to be with a guy, and man who loves me for who I am and what I believe in. I’ve wanted to be in a serious relationship since my last any relationship ended... in 10th grade. I think I’ve been confused everyday that I’ve been with JW, and I’m still unsure if I want to commit at 18. I asked him tonight on the phone if he really had no doubts about loving me… forever. He said no. I don’t understand how he is 100 percent sure he loves me. I’ve hurt him before and I know that he doesn’t trust me. It’s obvious some nights when I tell him I’m going out. It’s so hard to make a decision when I’m split on how I feel. So the current issue isn’t if we’re going to work out in the end, it’s whether to go visit him (in less than 2 weeks) but there’s a big issue with going to see him. Either, we’ll be so happy and the only option is to get back together and wait out the 8 months or so until I can transfer to Purdue, OR I’ll go and we’ll be happy and we’ll try to make it work, but like typical me I’ll end up hurting him again and I’ll lose him forever and I’ll know that I hurt him seriously multiple times. But my girls reassure me to think about myself in this situation. And surprisingly they support going. If I don’t go, I’ll always have something to regret. And considering if I don’t go my only two real options are to end it now or continue to waste both of our time.
Honestly I think that this has been on my mind all night except maybe 2 seconds when I slipped playing ping-pong… It’s such a difficult situation to be in. My mother doesn’t support the relationship, as I found this out today. She has what seeing him for a couple days would change. And she commented about how young I am to make this kind of commitment to a guy. I know that I’m young and that’s why I’m having such a hard time doing it! So what’s the normal age to make a solid commitment to a relationship, and if the people aren’t the same age, who is right about being ready? We both know that he is and has been ready. I just don’t want to lose him…
It’s all just a not fun situation… but I’m ready for sleep now. So I’ll keep you posted about my progress… if any.
~b

trying to update about everything....

Thu, 21 Apr 2005 13:31:58 GMT

Okay, so a lot has happened.
As a whole my life is better. less problems, less stress, less anixety. so thats good :)
now where to start.... hmmm i guess here -> lacrosse is over, i guess thats a really good thing but also sad. playing my last game (the championship tournament game, which we lost :( that sucks) but anyway, i realized that might be the last time i compete in lax, EVER! So basically i'm kinda bummed about that. and of course all my teammates try to convince me that i should stay all 4 years and play, cuz the team needs me and they love me... so its a difficult decision. I love the sport, but i dont like the drama and (physical) pain that comes with it. In mid season I decided to tell the trainer about my shoulder (cuz it really hurt) and I started to rehab it again but nothing was helping. basically the only way i was playing was by electric stem and icing my shoulder so i didnt feel pain, well atleast until it wore off. but the past weekend at tournament i woke up in serious pain. so since saturday morning my shoulder has hurt nonstop. It doesnt feel too good. but i played through the pain. But now when i get home for summer i have to see a doctor about it, and see what they think (about possible surgery :/) so we'll see about all that. okay so thats lacrosse, now i have a lot of free time in the afternoon so i mostly watch sex and the city dvds with my girls :) or sleep... soon i'll be studying for finals and packing!
next, of course the most common thing i talk about, boys....
i've been single for a little over 2 months, that seems really long, but i guess cuz i'm not alone. so last time i wrote i said i started talking to jw. well, things have progressed and even though we're not together we talk like we are. Its the weirdest feeling when i think, i want my ex to call! cuz basically that is what it is. typical for me, i dont know what i want. i'm so split on what i think i want. part of my knows that he loves me and we're right for each other. but the other part of me doesnt understand why i'm ready to make this commitment. i dont know why i'm considering transferring to be with him because, what if it doesnt work out? basically he is what i need, but not everything that i want.... so yea, thats where i am right now, except i might be buying a plane ticket for 2 weeks from now..... hmm good idea? idk, i really want to see him, so we can talk face to face and figure out if we're meant to be together or just friends. i want to go now so i dont waste his time, or mine thinking that we'll be together months down the line................
okay after all that, moving on. i made KANUGA STAFF!!!!! i'm really excited, i'm doing jyp, the middle school conference and i cant wait. its a week in june and Shelley's doing syp so we can drive down together. **any kanuga people who read this -> tell your youth groups that there is still lots of space in both conferences!

so now that i've rambled about a couple things, i need to shower and get ready for class.
~b

Thu, 21 Apr 2005 05:37:30 GMT

so its been a while since i wrote but i dont have much time to update about everything. but i've been watching a lot of sex and the city lately, and it always makes me want to write. but i'm working on my final paper for english<- which is due tomorrow. and its not complete..... i'm such a procrastinator. but i'm calling it a night and getting up early to do it. so my life is an interesting one, but i'm only gonna update real quick about my boy :-P well lack there of i guess, i'm still single, yet i talk to my ex atleast once or twice a day. we're practically together but we're not because of distance and that not changing relatively soon. but! i'm most likely going to visit right after school, while most of my friends are still having finals :-P may 5 thru 9th to be exact :) so that way i can figure everything out with my emotions and such. so i hopefully will have a better idea if transferring to be with him would make anymore sense than it does right now, cuz i'm so confused. i've always said no girl should ever chase a boy, but this seems real. of course, i'm the confused girl who never knows what she wants until she cant have it... typical of a young girl, and yes i still consider myself to be young :( i'm still 18! i feel like such a baby at college. another reason i'm so afraid to get back into this serious relationship, but for anyone whose ever been in love then its different. i figure that if we are meant to be and i transfer than i'll be happy for the rest of my life <- i know scary. but i see a future with him, but at the same time i dont. however i think i'm more scared of not knowing than i am of trying....... if that makes any sense.

oh well, i'm confused and i never make sense, off to bed to get up early to finish my paper... better update later!

much love,
~b

life is getting better

Sat, 19 Mar 2005 22:32:16 GMT

so things are picking up, ever since practice friday afternoon, things look a little better. after falling to pieces a couple times, and about to break into tears when jw asked what was wrong. coach decided that we need to put the fun back into lacrosse. so practice went well...
so i talked to jw online for a little while, and when we started talking about everything i just asked him to call me cuz i didnt want to talk about stuff online, so we talked for like 25 minutes on the phone and it really helped, and i dont know whats gonna happen with that but its good to have in back in my life. he just understands me really well, and i dont have to explain every little detail for him to understand the situation. and in his words, even though i'm not on the top of his list he still cares and he's there to talk to me :) so that helped.
so even though i had to wake up early and go to the training room and practice it was alright cuz i knew practice was short, BUT we drove to greensboro to scout teams and it took forever! we left here at 11 and i just got back a little while ago, so basically kinda wasted my whole day. but oh well, it was fun and good to watch them play.
but anyway, i guess things are getting better, but i still dont know what i'm doing with my life or where to go.. but only 4 more days of class til easter weekend when i can go home :) but yea... i dont know where to go to school, and its a really hard to make this kind of decision. so yea, i dont know right now, but i'll end up where i belong.

boys are a piece of sh*t

Fri, 18 Mar 2005 04:46:53 GMT

boys suck. please learn something from this! if a guy says he'll figure shit out and talk to you after the weekend, then he shouldnt leave a f*cking message saying call me. then when i do, dont invite me over! if you've just said that you cant get this amazing girl off your mind (and this girl not being me..) dont call me the next night wanting to hang out! but i had plans so i called back an hour later, and if the guy says i'll call you back. then F*CKING CALL BACK! its bullsh*t for guys to think that girls will wait around for them. i was fine knowing the truth and him wanting to figure out if the other girl was for him, but i'm not okay with him playing games! i hate this sh*t and i'm tired of boys! i'm so upset right now, i dont need this. my week has been horrible in its self. i dont need boys making it worse.
the last thing i wanted to do today was play lax on my day off, and what did i get dressed to do but didnt cuz most of the team didnt show... oh yes, i changed and rushed cuz i was told i was going to be late. then i spent 2 hours in the weaver lobby doing shit with the girls.. its suck bs, i hate my life right now, and nothing seems like it can make it better. i'm just waiting for one more thing to push me off the ledge i'm standing on. i wish i could figure out what is so wrong with me so i could fix it, but theres no way of telling. i have no idea why i care about everything so f'ing much. i dont know why i feel like sh*t everyday. i hate waking up and knowing that nothing is improving in my life, and it all just keeps building. i cant wait to know what can go wrong next...
i walked out of the caf after dinner and i turn to kali, cuz we're both having really sh*tty days and experiences from this school, and i say "is it bad that this school makes me want to kill myself??" <-- THAT IS NOT GOOD! there's nothing here for me... but i have no where else to go.

all i want is a sign that sh*t will get better....

Thu, 17 Mar 2005 20:10:15 GMT

so i'm putting a link in my profile, so only read it if you actually want to know, cuz i'm honest and i just write whats on my mind...

how can a girl do this to herself??

Thu, 17 Mar 2005 20:09:23 GMT

Stacy: Question how does a girl who falls, no actually jumps eyes wide open, down a rabbit hole, plummeting into chaos come out unchanged?
Stacy: Answer, she doesn't.
~Little Black Book

How can we be certain on the decisions we make? I have regrets, but shouldnt completely regret the things that i've done because i did DO them... as girls, well as people, we have the right to be wrong. i've made decisions and usually they are thought through and i can be confident about it, but when i second guess myself is when i get confused and feel like i'm on my way to chaos. I dont regret having the relationship i had with jw, and i dont regret breaking up with him because it made me realize that i do want something like that. i'm not the kinda girl that likes to date around and play games with guys. all i've ever wanted was a relationship based on truth and honesty. and the possibility of a future... maybe love. and i gave it up. i have a record of getting scared in a relationship, i did it as a freshman in high school, i did it in every short stupid relationship in high school. i look for everything that is wrong with the guy or the relationship we have, so i can justify wanting to end it. but the thing is, after ending it i always regret it. i thought i had learned, i thought that i had grown up a little, but clearly i havent. i did it while i was with jw, it was clear when we broke up once a month for the first 3 months we were together. its clear when i justify the final break up, and why its alright if he wants to move on and never forgive me, cuz like he said he'll never have to see me again. i want him to be happy. i want him to find the girl that he's looking for. he deserves the perfect woman that can give him what he wants. and i thought that i was just that. and for a while i was, but i was stupid and gave it up for nothing... i thought that another guy was what i wanted, but it was the complete opposite, it took another guy for me to finally realize that i want to be in love, i want a person to know everything about me: everything- even my faults and my stupid flaws. and jw was that, but we never fit, we are completely opposite, in almost everyway-- and thats why i thought about all the negative things. its the reason all my girl friends here at school think i was right about breaking up with jw. and they think that it was about time. but the thing is they only know the bad parts of the relationship. they dont know him, which is one thing i regret is not hanging out with the girls more so that they could see who he was. but i made the mistakes and now i live with the results. i think about what i've done this year, i've grown a lot, but "The hardest part isn't finding what we need to be, it's being content with who we are." i havent found who i want to be, but i'm working on myself, and every choice i make, and every situation i have to deal with is pointing me in the direction i'm supposed to follow, but the path isnt straight, and i cant see where i'm going but i keep walking...
who knows where i'll be in a year. i regret deciding so quickly about purdue, cuz things change so quickly here. i was happy one week, and everything falls apart the next. i feel like a stranger in my own life. some days i dont know who i am, where i'm going, or what i'm doing. its stupid to think that i have no control over my own life. i make decisions with no reasons.
i deleted jw's phone number from my phone last week, so that when i went out drinking i couldnt call him cuz even though i know the number it would be harder to type it rather than just finding his name. but i put it back it, and almost called one night. well actually i've almost called multiple times, but like he said he doesnt need to forgive me so why should he want to talk to me...

so who knows what i'll be doing later, i guess i'm coming back here next semster, but i dont know if i want to anymore. everythings changing. and if lauren leaves i'll only have jenny and the lax team, i guess i have julie but we're not that close.. i dont know where else i would go to school. i love the small classroom, but sometimes it feels like high school, and rumors and peoples business spreads here like high school. and its not cool, its actually really gay. and all the guys here are either looking for love or just a hook up. nothing in between. and even though there are more guys that girls, its really not so amazing. whatever... gotta figure shit out eventually............

cuz i'm bored....

Sun, 13 Mar 2005 04:40:43 GMT

so i'm bored and lonely. and boys disappoint me :( i hate how one guy said he'll probably pick up his cell, there's no reason he wouldnt- and he doesnt pick up... and another guy said he'll call you back after dinner... hasnt yet, and its dinner is def. done.... so i'm upset, i've had a lil to drink, but i drove so its been a long time. so now i'm finishing kali's smirnoff ice triple black, and its pretty good right now. but it froze just a lil, and its quite interesting when it does... if you've never tried it you should cuz its good. but anyway. we had a lax get-together and it was chill. couple people were drunk, but it was fun. its a good bonding experience... and kim just called to make sure we got back alright :) but i gotta go pick up lauren, so i was bored so yea.... survey thing--

1. What time is it? 11:28pm
2. Name as it appears on birth certificate: Bridget Elaine Holcomb
3. Piercing: 3, ears and belly button :)
4. Eye color: hazel, idk it changes
5. Place of birth: Columbia, Maryland
6. Favorite food: changes with my mood
7. Ever been to Africa? nope
8. Ever been toilet papering? nope
9. Love some one so much it made you cry? yup
10. Been in a car accident? yup
11. Croutons or bacon bits? croutons
12. Favorite day of the week: Friday
13. Favorite restaurant: Waffle House cuz i could really go for some right now
14. Favorite flower: I dunno
15. Favorite sport to watch: football or guys lacrosse
16. Favorite drink: soda- cherry 7up, alcohol- smirnoff vodka or ice
17. Favorite ice cream: mint chocolate chip
18. Favorite fast food restaurant: sonic
19. Color of your bedroom carpet? blue
20. How many times did you fail your driver's test? once :( stupid driving instructor
21. Before this, who did you get your last email from? junk email or coach...
22. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Victoria's Secret, any store that sells bags/purses
23. What you do most often when you are bored? sleep
24. Bedtime? depends on classes and lacrosse
25. Who will respond to this e-mail the quickest? N/A
26. Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to respond? N/A
27. Favorite TV shows: OC, Friends, Law and Order...
28. Last person you went out to dinner with: the girls... lax team??
29. What are you listening to right now? I Melt~Rascal Flatts
30. What is your favorite color? orange, yellow
31. Lake, ocean or river? Ocean
32. How many tattoos do you have? nope
33. Have you ever run out of gas? close but no

me being bored...

Fri, 11 Mar 2005 04:20:43 GMT

so i'm bored, and i told joey that i would update again soon, so here it is :)

so tuesday night, we (lax team) got back from the fun lonnnngg drive from baltimore. but we got ready and went out :D we went to jody's boyfriends apartment and had a lil pregaming, then went to krystal and rachels (previous lax players) and had a lil more fun, then went to last call (the bar) and did a lil dancing, couple girls had a lil more to drink. but all in all it was a great night, especially for bonding with the team. so from the van to the end of the night jeff and i texted like almost 20 messages. and i def. called ryan like 10 times but he never picked up :P but i texted him before i went to bed and said sorry for all the calls. and i talked to him the next morning online, and he said it was alright, he passed out. but i havent talked to him since..... its kinda upsetting when a guy doesnt call or anything. and i've held strong and i havent called him today. i'm soo bad at trying to play hard to get, cuz its almost impossible for me to do when i like a guy, especially when he knows i like him. but i did text him last night just to say good night but i never got a response. oh and he doesnt come back to school until tuesday :( such a long time away... its no fun. i do miss him cuz i def. slept there like 10 nights out of the past 2 weeks. but oh well, we'll see what happens when he gets back.

lax is alright, my shoulder is f'ed up again, and i get to start rehab again... yay, i'm so excited. haha not really. practice went alright. we play frostburg on saturday, and i'm really excited cuz rachael lewis plays goalie there :) and i get to play against her!!! its gonna be kinda weird to play against my high school goalie, and considering the fact that she is the reason i play lacrosse. but i'm excited cuz its gonna be really nice to see her.

but joey- i miss u!! cant wait for u to get back :) stay safe!! much love.

thats all for now, more lata once i remember what else has happened....

update cuz joe said so..

Wed, 09 Mar 2005 20:48:35 GMT

here you go joey! an update....

haha so i havent written in a really really long time. and a lot of stuff has happened. so i'm gonna try my best to get everything out.

so first, of course cuz its always on my mind, its boys.... so 2 days before valentines day i got into purdue. then everything basically went bad. when i should have been happy i got nervous, next day i talk to jw about everything and we leave it as me being confused, no decision about me transferring. valentines day we talk more about nothing decided and everything is getting worse. he calls while i was over at ryans with the guys. and we take a break... me crying, lauren helping, ryan talking... lots of things so yea... not fun stuff. jw told me to take some time and call him in a couple days after i figured shit out. but instead he calls the night after valentines day and we talk for a long time while i sat in the car after driving back from ryans. so jw and i broke up on feb. 15th... a couple fights after that, telling him that i was kinda dating someone i guess and he asked questions i didnt want to give him answers to but i did. so we havent talked in a while and last night i deleted his phone number from my cell even though i know it. and his screen name is hidden even though i check it alllll the time and i shouldnt. but at first he was very very upset and hurt, and now his profile is different, it seems happy and upbeat. i think he met someone but i'm not sure cuz he wouldnt talk to me so i dont even try. but he said that he would never forgive me but he has forgiven his ex, the one before me, cuz she lives with 2 of his best friends, but he never plans to forgive me. so now here i am. single, and dating....
ryan- new guy, from new york, golfer, nickname thug, so yea... we've been talking and yea... i sleep there a couple times a week, but he's home right now, so i dont know what we are, or anything. but thats all about him for now. not much to tell.....
jeff- talking again, he's back with chad, but we are friends, i saw him play rugby at unc a couple weeks ago, of course i'm still in love with him and always will be, but we will see what happens cuz who knows...

so lax is good, i'm playing alright, some off games, but i'm out of the goal, and playing attack. so yea.... lax took our spring break away, but thats alright cuz lax girls party hardy and the "fun van" has just that fun... woo hoo.

so here i am now. bloodwork, doctors, bad back pain, rolled ankle, trying to find myself, and definitely not knowing where i'm going, who i'm supposed to be with, and just clueless about everything...

*hi joey- hope everything is good in kuwait... stay safe, much love :-* xoxo

*A clean break is easier, you can reset it, and it heals, and you move on, but if you leave things messy or things dont get put right, then it just hurts, forever.*
~Little Black Book

"It is better to be hated for what one is than loved for what one is not."
-Andre Gide

"Perhaps luck exists somewhere between the world of planning, the world of chance, and the peace that comes from knowing that you just can't know it all."
~Little Black Book

"It's not about keeping your promises, its about following your heart"
~The Notebook

"It's easy to convince yourself that you aren't in love with someone...Until you see them in the hallway, or smell someone wearing their cologne, and then you're like...here we go again. So my conclusion is this: you don't ever stop loving someone. It's more a matter of learning to deal with the pain of not having them around anymore."
~Unknown

Sun, 30 Jan 2005 02:04:02 GMT

so i havent felt like writing lately... but i guess an update is needed.

so starting off with the 5 days in Indiana.. for new years :) it was really really good. had lots of fun, got to meet his fam and friends. Leaving was pretty hard, but i didnt cry cuz it was the airport and i would feel like a loser. so the days went really fast and i cant wait to see him again....

so i'm back at school now, we started classes 3 weeks ago, and its not too bad yet. i added a communication class and then dropped religion cuz of lacrosse. so we're one week into season, and i have a wonderful bruise on my left thigh, it hurts a lot, and its real ugly... but i'm playing pretty well, being tired makes me play worse than i know i can, but everyone is impressed, so i guess thats good. i'm worried about defense, but i think by the time we start games we'll be better than we already are. the team has a couple of injuries, so hopefully people can play through pain. well we start games in a couple weeks so i still have time to get ready...

the long distance relationship is going alright, he had some trust issues for a while, but i just tell him every time there's nothing to worry about, so i hope that he believes me and trusts me. i really do care about him, and i wont hurt him. i love him...

so i applied to purdue, and sent in my transcripts, so i'm just waiting to hear back... hopefully i'll get in, i should based on my grades. so jw and guys might get a house. its an old frat house with 9 rooms, but right now they only have 6 or 7 guys right now, so they're thinking about who else to ask. I'll probably get an apartment so we can be alone sometimes :)

so its saturday night and there's nothing to do at MC, last semester i'd be watching movies in jw's bed, relaxing with a wonderful boyfriend :) but now, i'm watching mulan on a saturday night with jenny...

so anyway... gonna go watch my movie, i'll write more lata...

~b

major boredom

Tue, 28 Dec 2004 05:06:38 GMT

so i'm bored!!!!! and for the past 3 years i have been at winterlight right now. its kinda weird not to be there. sucks that i didnt make staff. even more that a girl who accepted dropped from tourchbearing a little over a week before the conference. but i guess its good that i'm not going, cuz i get to fly to indiana :) and see my wonderful boyfriend. so anyway.... i miss kanuga. and its weird not to be there but get to move on with life. and possibly staff jyp in the summer, but idk cuz of working... so :(

well i only have 1 more day in hoco before i fly to see jw :) i cant wait! as for tonight- still waiting on my phone call :-P but anyway i'm really nervous about meeting everyone... i get to meet his mom, aunt, grandma, probably his bro plus all his friends. its going to be really awkward. but i'm excited.

another thing, i talked to joey online for a second today :) but he had to leave cuz he had to get back to the bunks (or somewhere..) cuz there was a mortar attack :/ that's kinda scary. but he's in our prayers, and i have hope he'll be home soon.

major boredome, but soon i'll be in indiana, with jw and happy again. so my mom and i were looking at purdue online, and we even looked at apartments. i think she'll support whatever i want to do about transferring. everyone has said not to follow a boy, but right now he's what makes me happy. i'm really nervous about possibly doing it. but i'm not happy when i'm without him, so i dont know what i'm doing....

more rambles continue.......

~b

boredom

Sun, 26 Dec 2004 03:36:49 GMT

so yea... christmas was good. but still waiting for one wonderful gift that i dont get until the 29th :( but its worth the wait cuz the 5 days in Indiana are going to be so amazing! so yea... i want him to call :`( but i know he will soon.

so yea. its sad how much we take for granted what we have, and what we get. growing up my familys always had money. i usually dont hear no when there's something i want at a reasonable price. of course i dont get everything i want but i think that would be worse than getting nothing. my father has worked hard all his life to give his family (meaning me and siblings) the best he can give us. growing up with money and living in the hoco bubble distorts our view of life. going to college in the south made me actually see true racism, not on tv. and i actually heard the N word in 3 months than the 18 years of my life. There are not-so-nice parts of town in fayetteville. people are actually scared of going into certain parts of town, rather than the crazy river hill people who wont shop at the harper's choice safeway cuz 'its not safe' but yea, w/e to that. howard county's poor people are well off compared to parts of the country and especially in the world. i guess having my parents come from their history makes me different than some hoco kids. and my bro seems the same way. on the other hand, my lil sister has not left the bubble, and she is secure in our little perfect, well almost perfect, community. so yea, there is crime and bad things happening in columbia, but they're not as bad as other parts of the country. i love growing up here, and its a great place to raise kids. but i cant imagine only knowing one side of all political views and beliefs. going to a religious school i see plenty of southern bells and gentlemen. i guess family history does have a part in what kids think, but i dont understand why people have so much hate, or discrimination, or even not accepting others views or way of life. i hear a lot of talk about homosexuality, and how wrong it is. most people bring up religion, especially at school... but most dont look into other religions, does anyone see how the government and churches are fighting the whole "gay marriage" thing. where are religious figures from the jewish, hindu, islamic communities?? the controversy should not lay with the church and state battle. almost everyone i know that has an opinion on the topic says that they know a perfectly nice gay guy or lesbian, but it isnt right. i dont understand how some people can befriend a person, yet fight against allowing someone different than them similar rights.

like many people i wish i could just give up all my presents and give everything to the poor, but i dont. i'm selfish but i do a little to make myself feel better about how i live. i bought one boy from the angel tree at church a present. just thirty dollars towards someone else... it isnt much. i dont think its enough. but i'm too afraid to do much else. i love my life and all its amazing gifts that come with having money. i dont want to give that up. but yea.... thats all just rambling....

so i guess i should clean up my room.... maybe i'll write some more later....... until then ciao!

~b

another stupid survey to pass the time...

Fri, 24 Dec 2004 05:37:02 GMT

LAYER ONE:
--Spell your name with band names.
B- Britney Spears
R- Rodney
I- Incubus
D- Dave Matthews Band
G- Gwen Stefani
E- Edwin McCain
T- Toby Keith

LAYER TWO:
-- Name: Bridget
-- Birth date: August 12, 1986
-- Nickname(s): Brie, BB, Bridgie, Bridge...
-- Current Location: Columbia, MD or Fayetteville, NC
-- Eye Color: hazel
-- Hair Color: dirty blond
-- Righty or Lefty: righty
-- Zodiac Sign: leo

LAYER THREE:
-- The shoes you wore today: fake birkenstock
-- Your weakness: love
-- Your fears: no heaven
-- Your perfect pizza: plain cheese, but pan pizza for pizza hut :) yummm
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: graduate college, marry a great guy, have kids, have a career...

LAYER FOUR:
-- Your most overused phrase on AIM: lol, haha, cool cool, thats good, whats up
-- Your thoughts when you first wake up: what time is it, boyfriend :)
-- Your best physical feature: eyes or smile
-- Your bedtime: wheneven i get tired...
-- Most missed memory: my boyfriend :(

LAYER FIVE:
-- Pepsi or Coke: coke
-- McDonald's or Burger King: mcdonalds
-- Adidas or Nike: i guess adidas, but depends on for what
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: neither, bojangles sweet tea
-- Chocolate or Vanilla: chocolate
-- Cappuccino or coffee: neither really

LAYER SIX:
-- Smoke: Nope
-- Curse: yes, too much
-- Sing: yea
-- Take a shower everyday: yea ususally have to..
-- Have a crush(es): yes.... my boyfriend :D
-- Do you think you've been in love: yes
-- Want to go to college: in college
-- Like(d) high school: yea
-- Want to get married: yes
-- Believe in yourself: sometimes
-- Get motion sickness: nope
-- Think you're attractive: yea i guess..
-- Think you're a health freak: nope
-- Get along with your parents: yea, usually
-- Play an instrument: nope

LAYER SEVEN:
In the past month...
-- Drank alcohol: yes
-- Smoked: no
-- Done a drug: no
-- Had Sex: yes
-- Gone to the mall?: yea, earlier today...
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: nope
-- Eaten sushi: no
-- Been on stage: no
-- Been dumped: no
-- Gone skating: no :( i really want to
-- Made homemade cookies: yes
-- Gone skinny dipping: nope
-- Dyed your hair: nope
-- Stolen anything: nope

LAYER EIGHT:
Ever...
-- Played a game that required removal of clothing: yes
-- If so, was it mixed company: yes
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: yes
-- Been caught "doing something": yes...
-- Been called a tease: yea, kinda
-- Gotten beaten up: nope
-- Shoplifted: nope
-- Changed who you were to fit in: no

LAYER NINE:
-- Age you hope to be married: perferably before 25, def. before 30
-- Numbers and Names of Children: 2, lots of names- favs- Haylee Laine, and Addison Daniel
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: i dont know....
-- How do you want to die: in my sleep at an old age
-- Where you want to go to college: in college at Methodist Collge...
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: i dont know... maybe public relations or adverstising...
-- What country would you most like to visit: Italy or somewhere in Europe

LAYER TEN:
-- Best eye color? brown or blue
-- Best hair color? doesnt matter
-- Short or long hair: long
-- Best first date location: depends, movie, walk, dinner...
-- Best first kiss location: alone, romantic...

LAYER ELEVEN:
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: probably 4 or 5 not including family
-- Number of CDs that I own: i have no idea
-- Number of piercings: 3 total... ears and naval
-- Number of tattoos: none
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: a couple, once with pic..
-- Number of cars your family owns: 5

joey :(

Mon, 20 Dec 2004 21:03:34 GMT

joe burlas is in kuwait :( not good... but he got on IM, so i've been talking to him for a while.

DoubleZer08: i am fine really, just always working... i wish i could show you some of the things i've seen. The suns always so beautiful here when it sets and when you look out on their ocean from the port, you can't tell where heaven ends and the earth begins

i think that has to be the best way to describe his situation...

i pray that he comes home as soon as he can... keep him in ur prayers too.

~B

DoubleZer08: 1,304 people have died so far our of 300,000 people here

wow

its cold outside

Mon, 20 Dec 2004 06:09:12 GMT

it snowed tonight!!! but anyway, just a few things. my room is freezing! and the last entry is cool so everyone should read it. but yea...

jw and i talked for over an hour on the phone at one time tonight :) it went really fast, and it made me extremely extremely happy. he's such a cute, awesome guy :D and times like these i know i'm making the right choice, making this work, no matter how far we'll be from each other. (i wanted to do it for 4 years before this...) so this all makes me happy :) i truly think i have fallen, and he has caught me :D i'm a dork. but he knows it.

so i saw a commercial for a dvd. and i'm not going to say what it was cuz just in case jw reads this before i give him his present... but he loves dave matthews and he is in a movie. i'm a dork, and jw will probably only watch it with me one time but it made me think of him, so i want him to have it. so yea... its a disney movie :D haha it will be funny. so now i have something for him, but i'm buying him stuff he'll actually like. so yea.

thats it. i need some sleep...

hopefully i will find out if i have mono tomorrow.... eek! i just want an explanation for feeling icky for so long. but i can only be sick if i'm okay to go to indiana in 10 days, 9 hours, and 22 minutes as of 1:08AM

The Road of Life

Mon, 20 Dec 2004 06:01:49 GMT

Stacey, our youth leader at church gave me a present for going off to college. So I thought i would share it with you. This made me think...

THE ROAD OF LIFE

At first, I saw God as my observer, my judge, keeping track of the things I did wrong, so as to know whether I merited heaven or hell when I die. He was out there sort of like a president. I recognized His picture when I saw it, but I really didn’t know Him.

But later on when I met Christ, it seemed as though life were rather like a bike ride, but it was a tandem bike, and I noticed that Christ was in the back helping me pedal. I don’t know just when it was that He suggested we change places, but life has not been the same since.

When I had control, I knew the way. It was rather boring, but predictable it was the shortest distance between two points.

But when He took the lead, He knew delightful long cute, up mountains, and through rocky places at breakneck speeds. It was all I could do to hang on!

Even though it looked like madness, He said, “Pedal!” I worried and was anxious and asked, “Where are you taking me?” He laughed and didn’t answer, and I started to learn to trust. I forgot my boring life and entered into the adventure, and when I’d say, “I’m scared,” He’d lean back and touch my hand. I gained love, peace, acceptance and joy; gifts to take on my journey, My Lord’s and mine. And we were off again.

He said, “Give the gifts away. They’re extra baggage, too much weight.” So I did, to the people we met, and I found that in giving I received, and still our burden was light.

I did not trust Him, at first, in control of my life. I thought He’d wreck it; but He knows bike secrets, knows how to make it bend to take sharp corners, knows how to jump to clear high rocks, knows how to fly to shorten, scary passages.

And I am learning to shut up and pedal in the strangest places, and I am beginning to enjoy the view and the cool breeze on my face with my delightful constant companion, Jesus Christ.

And when I’m sure I just can’t do it anymore, He just smiles and says … “Pedal.”